Dear Kinky hair girls,
Do you ever look back at your life, then look at were you're currently at and thank the Lord for all the blessings despite the hard times that have passed?
That's exactly what I thought looking at this picture, so I decided to write this long letter about my story and bring some background about my movement , "A Maria Crespa".
***
Four years ago I started fighting a rare eye disorder from which I was diagnosed at about the same time I started university. Since then, I felt that I've been constantly challenged to deal with the craziest situations that could ever be possible!! ( No joke, one day I will share about it all).
I was just living life and being a normal girly girl who liked makeup, fashion starting and decided to engage with all of it...but to be honest, for a long time I wasn't being who I really wanted. I liked wearing makeup with the purpose to mask my African features and dress and look like " I want to look as normal as possible" ... so that I could feel accepted.
With all that, I thought that I could finally "rest my back" and enjoy life. I was eighteen, at university and willing to start my career path towards the medical field. I was doing what "everyone" was, so life was good. ( I know right!? What I was thinking?) At the time, books, libraries and my degree were my happy place but all of a sudden I lost it all. I thought I was finished and I that I wasn't really worth it.
Do you ever look back at your life, then look at were you're currently at and thank the Lord for all the blessings despite the hard times that have passed?
That's exactly what I thought looking at this picture, so I decided to write this long letter about my story and bring some background about my movement , "A Maria Crespa".
***
Four years ago I started fighting a rare eye disorder from which I was diagnosed at about the same time I started university. Since then, I felt that I've been constantly challenged to deal with the craziest situations that could ever be possible!! ( No joke, one day I will share about it all).
I was just living life and being a normal girly girl who liked makeup, fashion starting and decided to engage with all of it...but to be honest, for a long time I wasn't being who I really wanted. I liked wearing makeup with the purpose to mask my African features and dress and look like " I want to look as normal as possible" ... so that I could feel accepted.
With all that, I thought that I could finally "rest my back" and enjoy life. I was eighteen, at university and willing to start my career path towards the medical field. I was doing what "everyone" was, so life was good. ( I know right!? What I was thinking?) At the time, books, libraries and my degree were my happy place but all of a sudden I lost it all. I thought I was finished and I that I wasn't really worth it.
During those four years I kept thinking :
- "Wow! I spent all these years having my plans constantly interrupted . Why so unlucky!?
The plan was to finish my degree and have a career.
The plan was to go higher and higher.
The plan was also to be prosper and financially independent by a certain age."
I defend that it's absolutely okay to have plans, but if they don't go as we imagined we should learn that that's an answer too and it's okay not to have things done exactly as we had in mind .
I felt that I was fitting well in this world of ours because I was "happy with myself". Reality is that I was enjoying the fact that I finally managed to meet the "ideals of beauty" (all bonkers). "I looked normal, I was happy looking normal" and not standing out for the "wrong reasons" as I did all my life until then.
So...
From the moment that my diagnosis was made, my life went from attending lessons, going to libraries , working part-time and studying in coffee shops to being constantly on and off to airports, different doctors,several hospitals, accident and emergencies and surgery rooms.
But it was okay...
...Nah. It wasn't really but I was good at hiding it. (Especially through social media). I had tantrums, panic attacks, anxiety episodes and anger issues. Life was that messy. I wasn't feeling great. Nope. If I could kill someone.. If I .. I w.. Joking.. Ha!
But there were several things I "killed" throughout the four years of battle over my eyesight. I killed my tendency to care about other's opinions, finding the need to "belong" and looking brightly happy all the time (that consumed me so much).
However, what stood out in this story, was that I got time to recover properly. Not only from my surgeries but also from what consumed me in a negative way. My recovery allowed me to look into who I was differently and question everything. When you're deprived from connecting to the world as much as you're used to, you get the chance and all the freedom to speak to Who owns and created it, and that changes everything.
Prayer changed the whole picture, it took me ages to finally step back and start praying over what was happening to me. I didn't know that we could bear so much anger inside of us, and that's very dangerous. I've been there and I hope none of you do. But I started doing it . Praying is not easy especially when you're consumed with so many things, but it saved me from loosing my battle with my disorder and realize that there's still good people out there! So many people prayed for me as well and for that I will forever be thankful! Thank you all!! I will never forget it.
I also didn't know I would cry so much in my life but that I recommend you do once in a while because it heals. I promise. Ha Ha!
I feel that I am now completely different from what I was in the beginning of this letter because God gave me the time to go to Him and realize that my happy place was Him and the plans He has for me.
To unfold everything I was feeling, I did a big chop and started cultivating a different way of putting things in perspective, especially the way I saw myself. I knew I had to start this whole process by examining myself first, and that really changed me. ( but it still got me a while to do something about it... because I am very slow and such an over-thinker).
As time passed by, I kept on enjoying more and more the art of being myself, finding myself and not fitting in. Cutting a great deal of my hair did wonders, who would ever tell ? But it did, because in the end it wasn't just about hair. For me, it was also about embracing my own womanhood, my roots, background and history.
I feel that we, black women keep on blaming our society for making us perceive ourselves as if we weren't pretty enough. However, sometimes I wonder what would happened if we let this matter flow between ourselves and God. We should be there for each other, supporting and empowering each other as if we all grew up in the same house.
If we do, then there's nothing in this world that's gonna cut us off by saying we're not good enough. Ever. If the One who made us makes no distinctions and teaches that we should love one another who are we to argue ?
This is my story, and you on that side, yes you beautiful, you have your own, but together through the same racial oppression we face, we can have more than one story, because.. reality is that this is all about hair , but also it's not just about hair. Remember this.
Keep Rocking,
Isa Martins // Maria Crespa
❤️ Thanks
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